Validation – a parenting tool for the ages
Kids want to be heard but they have a deeper need to be understood.
At a time when the mental health and wellbeing of children and teenagers is firmly in the spotlight, validation is an essential parenting skill.
When a child or teen comes to you when they are struggling emotionally they want you to understand their dilemma. They don’t want to be dismissed or told to ‘get over it’. They generally want someone to acknowledge that their concern is real with comments such as:
“Ahh! I see you’re worried about going to camp. I can understand that.
“Thanks for telling about the scary monsters in your bedroom. Let’s see what we can do about them.”
“I’d be afraid to if I was left alone on my own for that long.”
How validation helps
Validation of a child’s struggles helps in many ways including:
- Building a deep connection
Relationships built in times of vulnerability go deep and are hard to break.
- Promoting a child’s wellbeing
Validation helps kids feel safe, which is what ‘worry warts’ and anxious kids want. Lack of understanding rather than fear itself often impacts negatively on a child’s happiness.
- Overcoming disappointment and builds resilience
Validation encourages kids to give voice to their concerns or disappointments. They can then either takes steps to rectify or move on.
- Developing emotional intelligence
Parental validation models emotional intelligence for children and teens. It requires you to identify the emotions that may be behind their language or behaviour.
- Encouraging empathy
Validation requires you to stop, listen and get on the same wavelength as your child. It’s empathy in action, and wonderful modelling for children.
Four steps to validating your child’s emotions
Follow these steps to make sure your child or teen feels understood when they come to you with their worries or concerns.
Attend: Stop what you are doing and give your child your full attention.
Observe: Listen with your eyes as well as your ears. Observe how your child looks and acts to get vital clues to how they feel.
Reflect back their worries and emotions: Get down to their eye level if necessary, saying something like, “I see you’re really concerned about this.” “Wow, that would make me sad too.” “Yes, it can be unfair. I get that.”
Touch: If appropriate, gently touch their shoulder or give them a hug when you speak to them. This will help them feel safe and comforted. Be aware that some children may want some space rather than physical closeness so be guided by your child in this instance.
There’s nothing better than being understood
Validation is such a powerful parenting tool to possess. It’s wonderful for a child or teen who is struggling to know that someone they value truly understands them.
To know that someone understands them on an emotional level is so therapeutic for kids when life throws them curve balls.
It works just as well for adults too.
