Hi families,
Today’s article might sound a little too familiar and the common phrase “because I said so…” might be something you hear yourself say all too often.
If this is the case, happy reading and hopefully you try an alternative to this phrase.
Enjoy,
Ms Jodie
What’s Wrong With “Because, I Say So” and How to Replace It
by Jennifer Poindexter.
(This article is part of the Positive Parenting FAQ series.)
“But Moooom! Whyyy?”
“Because, I Say So!!”
How easily those four words roll off our tongues when our children meet us with whining and repeated demands.
But is it a good idea to keep resorting to them?
Why is that a problem though? Why shouldn’t we just say “Because, I Say So!” and just get things done? It sure is efficient and haven’t parents used that for generations?
As positive parents, our goal is to nurture democratic families by being authoritative parents who partner with our kids to raise them to be happy, well-behaved and well-adjusted.
Even when it may be uttered out of frustration or exasperation, the “Because I Say So!” response pushes us into the authoritarian parenting style – not only does this fray our relationship with our kids but could result in our kids ending up being fearful and anxious, less self-confident, and poor communicators.
So, what else can we say instead of “Because I Say So!”?
Here are a few alternate responses:
- “My answer is No. Here’s why……”
You may feel as a parent you shouldn’t have to explain yourself but there are many good reasons for us to. Our words are important to our kids in more ways than one.
First, the fact that you are making an effort to explain is a sign of high responsiveness and nurturing and conveys unconditional love to your kids. It implicitly shows them that you aren’t too busy to have a conversation with them and that they are worthy.
If you make it a point even in their whiniest moments to explain your answers in a calm tone, then your kids understand, “Hey, Mom and Dad are always willing to talk to me no matter what.”
If you make time and show patience over the small stuff, then kids know you’ll be there even for the bigger stuff. It opens the doors to communication at the youngest of ages and helps lay the groundwork as kids become older.
Secondly, it teaches your children respect. If you make it a point to talk to your children (even when they are tap dancing on your last nerve) in a calm voice and show them respect, you are actually setting a really positive example for them. You are showing them how to treat others (and you!) even when their nerves are rubbed raw.
Third, our words help our children grow in more ways than one. According to this article from the Washington Post, researchers Betty Hart and Todd Risely, found that children who heard less words, including harsher more prohibitive speech, less complex vocabulary, and less conversational give-and-take, do not reach their full potential in life, intellectually and emotionally. This same study found that there is literally a 30-million-word gap between children whose parents focus on communication and those who do not. That is not just a huge gap in the words but also in the parent-child relationship and this impacts children’s math ability, spatial ability, perseverance, self-regulation, empathy and morality.
Finally, it may just reduce the number of times they respond to you with a “No!” and communicate their needs better. When we make an effort to explain to our kids the reason for our response, it sets a precedent and lays down the foundation of a culture of open communication in our family. So, the next time you ask them to wear a sweater on a cold day instead of just saying “No” or whining “I don’t want to wear a sweater”, they may just say “But, that sweater makes me feel itchy all over.”
Explaining your reason, however, does not mean your kids will magically start agreeing with you.
The key here is to simply accept it and not get annoyed. Stay calm and respond with…
- “Nothing has changed in the last 5 minutes. My answer is still No. The reason is still […]”.
One of the key tenets of positive parenting is to stay consistent. So, keep your voice calm and let it sink in that unless something else changes, your answer will not.
